I took a day off

So, we are bottoming out at a solid five views. If anyone ever reads this post, I’ll be surprised.

I took a day off, so it seemed fitting that the next movie be Ferris Bueller’s day off.

I truly enjoyed it. John Hughes continues to amaze me. The movie world is full of violence and gore, and John Hughes’ movies are full of feels and high school kids.

Ferris is no exception.

Matthew Broderick is a little off at times but his disputable charm really makes up for it. Matthew Broderick stole the show, but his friend Cameron (Played by Alan Ruck) was great too. It was just plain fun. The final scene, with Ferris racing to get back to his house in time was beautiful, it was all great.

But there is always negatives.

Matthew Broderick, as I previously mentioned seemed a little off at points. Moreover, the comedy element was hardly there, then again the Ducking Academy seldom laughs.

Overall, solid flick,

+Matthew Cuterick

+John Hughes’ style

+Ending scene

-Matthew is a bit off

-Comedy is so-so

8.3/10

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Earache

The whole “Tweet post” was kind of blocking the feed, so I decided to do a quick review about a movie.

“Which one?” I pondered.

Then “Stuck in the middle with you” came on. How that song does not make one think of Mr. Blonde cutting Marvin Nash’s ear off? If they haven’t seen Reservoir Dogs, I get it. If they have, they know what I mean.

Reservoir Dogs was famed film maker Quentin Tarantino’s first feature length film. It starts in a Tarantino way, using great dialogue and intelligence to make me rethink two things:

1)      What “Like a Virgin” is about (Is it really a Metaphor for dicks?)

2)      Should I tip waitress?

So after the first scene it cuts to the great Harvey Keitel playing ‘Mr. White’, speeding down a street in his car. ‘Mr. Orange’ is in the backseat, bleeding his guts out, played by Tim Roth. All the robbers in the film being assigned clue like names was really cool, especially the dialogue revolving around one character having to be called Mr. Pink.

“Why do I have to be Mr. Pink?”

“Cause you’re a faggot okay?”

Gold Jerry, Gold.

That leads me into the belle of the ball, Steve Buscemi playing the aforementioned Mr. Pink. Buscemi was brilliant, no other way to put it. So was Keitel. The rest of the cast was good, no doubt, but there is one more that sticks out.

Mr. Blonde.

Eiek! Him dancing back and forth to “Stuck in the middle with you” then cutting Marvin Nash’s ear off was brilliant. No other song could have worked as good in that situation.

I could mention one million different positives about the movie, but we need to cover negatives. To me, there is two really big ones.

The First is Mr. Orange’s back story. It was okay, but I thought it kind of took away from the story. This really isn’t that much of an issue, I just thought it was a little, slow, for such a thrilling film. But what do I know?

The second pertains to some accusations that apparently have some merit. Some folks’ claim that Tarantino stole his ideas from other movies, primarily two films.  I really can’t comment specifically on this fact due to not seeing those two films, but I’ve read from multiple people that he took a significant amount of content from these films. Didn’t I say I wouldn’t comment on it then comment on it? Ah, whatever.

So, Leeeeeeeeeeeets rate it’

+Great Characters

+Great Steve Buscemi

+Ear cutting off scene

+ Cool Names

+Making me rethink things through dialogue about what people experience well having intercourse

-Orange backstory

-Is it a cut & Past Job?

8.5/10

“What’s your name?”

“Trouble”

Yeah, that line is really cool. I mean, I never have been pestered by a religious freak in an airport before, but in Miami Blues, which if you can’t take subtle clues is the movie I am reviewing, Alec Baldwin sure was.

A Baldwin Bias exists in the Ducking Academy. A positive one at that. And this movie (Miami Blues) has Alec Baldwin in it. It also has him wearing very little clothing, like 14 different times. I mean, there is nothing wrong with it, it was just kind of off putting. Now I even regret mentioning it in the first place, but what the hell.

So the movie centers around this crazy Alec Baldwin character who pretends to be a cop after stealing a badge. He uses the badge to his advantage, steeling things and such. Kind of lame, but it was done well. He marries a hooker, which immediately made me think of True Romance. Afterwards he gets in all sort of crazy adventures until the good guy cop who has no front teeth brings him down.

The first scene, as I mentioned takes place in an airport. Alec Baldwin’s character breaks this religious preacher guys’ finger. The preacher falls on the ground and begins convulsing. Okay, he has a low pain threshold. Nothing wrong with that. Then he starts really convulsing. Then he dies.

What?

He died of a broken finger? I mean its got to hurt but people have been, you know, shot before and been okay.

So then we get introduced to his soon to be wife, a hooker by the name of Pepper. That was weird for me, because Pepper isn’t really a hooker name. It’s more of a homosexual man name, not that there’s anything wrong with that, Philadelphia is one of my favorite movies.

So then we find out her actual name is Suzanne then they fall in love and she is naked 75% of the time in the first half of the movie. Which is okay I guess. She’s a mildly attractive woman. Then she starts talking. I really didn’t like her. A bit of a, hum, a dolt. Pepper or Suzanne is played by Jennifer Leigh who I thought I recognized from somewhere although this is the first movie I’ve seen her in. It really drove me crazy.

So when the second half starts, Baldwin’s character, who’s name by the way is Junior, gets a police badge. He then runs around town pretending to be a cop, then when people trusts him he steals their shit. It’s kind of lame. Nothing really emotional happens. Just a lot of killing. Junior always seems to be at the wrong place wrong time. Wherever he is, there is some guy robbing someone. Little too perfect.

One of those ‘too perfect’ scenes involves Junior at a lunch room. It gets robbed, he pulls out a gun, shoots the robber, then yells “Stop or I’ll shoot!”. Shouldn’t that of came BEFORE you shot the guy in the leg? Cheesy, bad line.

Character wise, they all kind of sucked. The one guy I did kind of enjoy was the protagonist, a cop that hunts Junior down. His front teeth thing worked well into the story line, surprisingly enough.

So rating time….

+Teeth

+A good character

+Alec Baldwin

-Bad Characters (For the most part)

-Cheesy

-Double Cheesy

-Little too perfect

-Weak plot

-Bubble of a leading female character

6/10

The First Review.

“You really believe this story? I mean, Osama Bin Laden.”- Navy Seal that looks like every other navy seal in this movie. 

 

All right, let’s get to it. Review of Zero Dark Crappy. If that sentence doesn’t dictate the tone of this review, I don’t know what will. 

 

Before this goes on any farther I was sitting in the front row of the theater well watching this AND my popcorn had absolutely no butter on it. So because of the negative bias at the time, the epic tall of the hunt for Osama Bin Laden gets an automatic +1 on it’s score, which isn’t even really fair. But really, who cares about this post? Anyway, back to the point. 

 

A lot of controversy struck up about this films showing of “Brutal” torture scenes. Maybe my mind (Screwed up already) is just so damn desensitized when it comes to this, but I didn’t find them bad at all. Neither did the Academy. Anyway, back to the point once more. If they did not put these scenes in, I would have hated it. Backing out of something because it was, um, to intense I guess. However that didn’t happen, there’s a plus. 

Acting wise Zero Dark Thirty had a great performance from Jason Clarke as a CIA interrogator. When he announced they had “Killed his monkeys” I damn near cried. Who would kill a monkey? Is this Cannibal Holocaust?   Anyway, back to the point for the third time. 

Leading actress Jessica Chastain made me want to kill a monkey. Seriously bad performance, which sucked because she soaked up all the screen time, hunting this damn terrorist. She was so bad, she got nominated for best actress in a leading role. This Academy thinks she didn’t deserve that nomination, but then again we do not matter. 

A swift breeze of realization needs to blow through Hollywood: Import historical event does not ALWAYS equal good movie. Some do, such as Black Hawk Down. Some do not, like a more then a decade long search for a middle eastern guy with a beard. This gives Zero Dark thirty another negative, length. OH SO LONG MOVIES ARE BAD? Negatory, Madam Curry (Wait, that doesn’t even rhyme?). Django Unchained actually ran just over Zero Dark Thirty in regards to length, but still kept the Academy of Ducking glued to the screen (Well, not really glued, more interested) 

Zero Dark Thirty throws a million (Exaggeration) minor characters at you, all seemingly having middle eastern names that started with the letter ‘A’. Confusion sets over the theater as no one really knows anything about any of these characters. But unfortunately one constant remained, Jessica Chastain. Moreover, they’d throw in gun fights out of the blue every 30 minutes which almost made me poop myself, and I was a far way away from any bathrooms. 

For the amount of time it’s up on the screen, Zero Dark Thirty doesn’t really do much other then talk. Talk is good. Diner, good movie, good talking. Breakfast Club, good movie, good talking. Zero Dark Thirty is the bad type of talking. Long and hard to follow. It seems like it’s an action movie, full of US seals hunting down Bin Laden, but it is really, really not. It’s a rouse. It makes you think that’s what it is, then it talks for 2 hours. By that point it isn’t really the Hurt Locker. But then the last thirty minutes hit the screen. 

The Last thirty minutes were pretty awesome. Extremely cool operation pulled of by the Navy Seals. It seemed like they were trying to develop some characters within the Seals, but they all looked exactly the same. Regardless the scene was a great action sequence, but unfortunatly it couldn’t make up for the 2+ hours before. 

 

So now we’re at the part where I give it a rating out of ten. Originally I gave it an unfair one point bonus but because of Jessica Chastain it has been revoked. Way to go Jessica. 

ZERO DARK THIRTY

+Jason Clarke is a bad ass

-Jessica Chastain can not act. 

+Ending scene

+Torture scenes included

-length 

-Too many minor Characters

-Too much Jessica Chastain 

+Ending was great

-Poorly done with the seals 

5/10

Ouch, take that Jessica Chastain

“Loser, you’re a loser”-Hank Hill

      Yes Hank was indeed correct. The Ducking Academy is a bunch of losers. Systematically assigning movies grades out of ten is what the Academy does, and like Hank said, we’re losers at it. Try to enjoy, as you are entering the worst movie dictatorship on the web. And that’s saying something. Cause’ y’know, the web is kinda big. But we don’t like to brag.