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The First Review.

“You really believe this story? I mean, Osama Bin Laden.”- Navy Seal that looks like every other navy seal in this movie. 


All right, let’s get to it. Review of Zero Dark Crappy. If that sentence doesn’t dictate the tone of this review, I don’t know what will. 


Before this goes on any farther I was sitting in the front row of the theater well watching this AND my popcorn had absolutely no butter on it. So because of the negative bias at the time, the epic tall of the hunt for Osama Bin Laden gets an automatic +1 on it’s score, which isn’t even really fair. But really, who cares about this post? Anyway, back to the point. 


A lot of controversy struck up about this films showing of “Brutal” torture scenes. Maybe my mind (Screwed up already) is just so damn desensitized when it comes to this, but I didn’t find them bad at all. Neither did the Academy. Anyway, back to the point once more. If they did not put these scenes in, I would have hated it. Backing out of something because it was, um, to intense I guess. However that didn’t happen, there’s a plus. 

Acting wise Zero Dark Thirty had a great performance from Jason Clarke as a CIA interrogator. When he announced they had “Killed his monkeys” I damn near cried. Who would kill a monkey? Is this Cannibal Holocaust?   Anyway, back to the point for the third time. 

Leading actress Jessica Chastain made me want to kill a monkey. Seriously bad performance, which sucked because she soaked up all the screen time, hunting this damn terrorist. She was so bad, she got nominated for best actress in a leading role. This Academy thinks she didn’t deserve that nomination, but then again we do not matter. 

A swift breeze of realization needs to blow through Hollywood: Import historical event does not ALWAYS equal good movie. Some do, such as Black Hawk Down. Some do not, like a more then a decade long search for a middle eastern guy with a beard. This gives Zero Dark thirty another negative, length. OH SO LONG MOVIES ARE BAD? Negatory, Madam Curry (Wait, that doesn’t even rhyme?). Django Unchained actually ran just over Zero Dark Thirty in regards to length, but still kept the Academy of Ducking glued to the screen (Well, not really glued, more interested) 

Zero Dark Thirty throws a million (Exaggeration) minor characters at you, all seemingly having middle eastern names that started with the letter ‘A’. Confusion sets over the theater as no one really knows anything about any of these characters. But unfortunately one constant remained, Jessica Chastain. Moreover, they’d throw in gun fights out of the blue every 30 minutes which almost made me poop myself, and I was a far way away from any bathrooms. 

For the amount of time it’s up on the screen, Zero Dark Thirty doesn’t really do much other then talk. Talk is good. Diner, good movie, good talking. Breakfast Club, good movie, good talking. Zero Dark Thirty is the bad type of talking. Long and hard to follow. It seems like it’s an action movie, full of US seals hunting down Bin Laden, but it is really, really not. It’s a rouse. It makes you think that’s what it is, then it talks for 2 hours. By that point it isn’t really the Hurt Locker. But then the last thirty minutes hit the screen. 

The Last thirty minutes were pretty awesome. Extremely cool operation pulled of by the Navy Seals. It seemed like they were trying to develop some characters within the Seals, but they all looked exactly the same. Regardless the scene was a great action sequence, but unfortunatly it couldn’t make up for the 2+ hours before. 


So now we’re at the part where I give it a rating out of ten. Originally I gave it an unfair one point bonus but because of Jessica Chastain it has been revoked. Way to go Jessica. 


+Jason Clarke is a bad ass

-Jessica Chastain can not act. 

+Ending scene

+Torture scenes included


-Too many minor Characters

-Too much Jessica Chastain 

+Ending was great

-Poorly done with the seals 


Ouch, take that Jessica Chastain


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